Why you aren't happy

(and will probably never be)

Oli explore's | letter 41

reading time - 10 minutes

You think that the world you live in is the only one that exists.

You are wrong.

Depending on how desperate and courageous you are, this can be a good or a bad thing.

It’s a bad thing if you are desperate for life to get better but lack the courage to face the truth.

It’s a good thing if you are desperate for life to get better, and know you have what it takes within you to take responsibility for everything you are to blame for.

There are actually two worlds. 

One for the conditioned human.

And the other for the human who sees everything.

The conditioned human believes in societal norms, follows external rules and laws and fears being judged more than being true to themselves.

The human who sees everything simply lives for themselves.

The conditioned human lives in the illusion of freedom without ever being free.

He’s a prisoner to his job because he needs to make an income. He’s a prisoner to his boss’s satisfaction because he needs a job. He’s a prisoner to his current identity because he needs his friends, relationships and routines. Which make him a prisoner to his mind because he needs his identity.

He has a mind that constantly thinks.

He thinks thoughts that set the tone for a good or a bad day.

He thinks thoughts that prevent him from sleeping at night.

He thinks thoughts that make him believe that he isn’t worthy of love, wealth, peace or greatness.

He thinks so much that his thoughts are all there is about him and his life.

And now the only place where he exists — is in his mind.

It never occurred to him that his mind was causing him so much trouble.

Neither did he realise that the mind is constantly in the way of what he most desires.

He wants to be present, but his mind pulls him towards the next task.

He wants love, but his mind prevents him from opening his heart.

He wants to feel, but the mind disconnects him from being with his body.

He wants to create, but his mind makes him a fool for his silly ideas.

It never occurred to him that the mind was the only place in the world where all these problems exist.

The great loop.

Your life will never change. You will simply go back to the life you are currently living.

You will attempt to change it many times. The impulse to change it will be higher during the moments when the internal discomfort is acute, and the pain less bearable than usual.

In these moments, you will turn towards all the prescriptions and advice out there. 

Guided meditations on youtube.

A podcast about confidence on spotify.

Advice from your best friends.

4-week perfect body workout plan.

You will convince yourself that once the weekend arrives, once you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, or once you get that new job or start this new diet, everything will be better.

And you are right. Things will get better. For a quick moment.

You know why?

Because your mind tricked you into believing that this next quick fix, will fix everything.

Whatever you seek to change or improve quickly will lead you to a short-term, temporary relief.

And every time you find relief. Pain will wait for you around the corner.

Humans spend their whole life in the loop of this cycle.

That’s exactly why their life never changes.

The only thing remaining for the conditioned human is to collectively believe that this is what life is meant to be.

We make life all about work. 

About monthly mandatory family gatherings.

And some occasional sparks of freedom and happiness.

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Knowing how the mind works, you should now want to ask the following question:

So how do I escape this loop?

Wrong question.

You are looking for a quick solution again.

See, this is what differentiates the conditioned human from the human who freed himself from his mind.

The conditioned human seeks to change things.

The free human simply seeks to understand.

And it’s only through the arrival at that very understanding that the conditioned mind of a human becomes free.

Truth is the only real cure.

Truth is arrival.

And you can only arrive somewhere if you have the right information to get to that place.

To arrive to the truth, you have to ask the right questions.

Instead of “how do I escape this loop”, 

You could’ve asked:

What is this loop composed of?

Why am I in this loop?

Who created this loop?

How long have I been in this loop?

But you didn’t. 

Because for the mind, neither of these questions would quickly resolve your problem of being in the loop.

The mind is terribly impatient.

It’s arrogant, ignorant and immature.

It doesn’t know how to appreciate anything worthwhile because it thinks it deserves everything immediately.

And since nothing worthwhile happens instantly, it’s constantly in resistance to reality.

Every problem in your life, is a resistance your mind created against the truth.

Which means that you can only arrive at the truth by understanding the resistance.

Let me give you an example to illustrate this.

Viviane and Antoine are a couple.

They met 5 years ago and have been together since then.

Both knew after a couple of months into the relationship that they weren’t meant to be together.

How did they know you might ask – intuition, gut feeling, something not feeling right.

Instead of being honest with themselves and each other, they both individually convinced themselves that if they moved in together, it would probably bring them closer and reignite the spark they lost so quickly.

They were right. The spark came back for a couple of exciting weeks of living together.

Before it disappeared again.

Months are passing by; they drift further apart from each other, but carefully orchestrate themselves as the perfect couple whenever they see their friends or family.

It seems like moving in wasn’t to bring the love they were hoping to feel for each other back, so Antoine asks Viviane to marry him.

Great news! Antoine’s mum is pleased after repeating to her 34-year-old son that it’s about time for marriage and a family.

Viviane and Antoine both choose to ignore their initial gut feeling, and 3 years into the relationship, officially say YES to each other.

2 more years pass by, and Viviane can’t help but notice how miserable she feels when she comes home.

She has random moments of anxiety and emotional breakdowns, and feels completely left alone because Antoine doesn’t have the emotional maturity to safely contain her.

Antoine feels invisible and unsupported by Viviane and keeps escaping into his work to find the validation and attention he craves.

None of them can open up to their family or friends for guidance or support, because they would feel too ashamed to confess that they never truly loved each other, despite showing off the complete opposite.

Viviane and Antoine are stuck in a loop.

They used moving in together, getting married and every other attempt in between to temporarily fix something that wasn’t real in the first place.

The only cure to their situation is finding the truth.

Why did you enter this relationship?

• Because I thought he was funny

Would you say that being funny is the most important quality to spend your whole life with someone?

• No

Why not?

• Because with time, I’ve realised that I have more important needs than being with someone who makes me laugh.

Like what?

• Being curious about me, being someone who loves to give and receive touch, being open to having difficult conversations, being willing to question themselves, being someone who enjoys travelling often and discovering the world, being someone who is as passionate about music and dance than I am.

When was the first time you thought about leaving Antoine?

• A couple of months into the relationship.

Why didn’t you choose to do it then?

• Because I didn’t want to hurt him and disappoint my family

Are you responsible for how he handles his emotions?

• No

Is it a requirement for you to meet your family’s expectations?

• No

Why not?

• I can only be responsible for what I can control, which is myself.

So why didn’t you choose to leave Antoine then?

• Because I was scared.

Scared of what?

• Of never finding another partner again. Of being alone for the rest of my life. Scared of not being good enough, scared of being the only person not being in a relationship.

So all of these fears are about your relationship with yourself, not about Antoine or your family.

• That’s right.

Is there something you can do about the fears you are now aware of?

• Yes, I can question them to find out if they are true and where they come from.

You are right. What does Antoine have to do with all of it?

• Nothing.

Is Antoine someone you want to have by your side as you find out about these questions?

• No.

So what is there left to do?

• Leave the relationship.

Despite the tragic outcome of their relationship, Viviane is now at peace. Her mind doesn’t have to seek quick fixes around her relationship with Antoine because it’s not in resistance to anything anymore.

She arrived to the truth. Every step she will take from there will be grounded, clear and solid because she acts from reality.

The truth is always the quickest path

This conversation illustrates the type of work I do during my Open Conversation Therapy sessions.

Most people are entangled in so many unconscious narratives and find themselves forced by their minds to play into roles that slowly erode their souls.

A lot of these narratives come from childhood, society and the school system, which conditioned your mind to think, act and behave a certain way and punish you by making you feel guilty or not good enough when you dare to step out of line.

There isn’t anything wrong with being a conditioned human.

Except having the desire to want to be happy and free.

Happiness, freedom and peace are states that can only be found when you choose to pursue the truth instead of your mind.

It’s a path you can only walk if you dare to let go of all the quick fixes and start asking the right questions instead.

Once you do, you will find out that every loop that is a problem in your life, is just a silly game of the mind.

I will see you in the next letter,

Until then, take care.

Oli.